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justine a m

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been awhile. [19 May 2005|04:39pm]
new havana rocks. i'm not sure what this new secret life is all about, but i think i enjoy being a self-proclaimed schitzo.

rode bikes this morning with one.. and headed out now to ride again with another.

i have been painting alot, and will be having a show shortly.

with all the shitty things that have happened lately.. i'm surprisingly in a wonderful mood.
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my life will shortly be ending [31 Jul 2004|08:31pm]
brooklyn will no longer be my home. i will be stuck with a helpless roomate. no more walking from my shower to my room naked. there will be dishes that are not mine in the sink. i have to share the couch. and who knows what other bullshit.. o and listen to materialistic stories come out of a self proclaimed communist punk.

i like the people who are moving into our place. we are going to see The Village tonight. ha. and i have a great job now in ny.... and im leaving.

somewhere god is laughing at me.
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wtf [14 Jul 2004|04:05pm]
everything is spinning outta control. i'm moving out of brooklyn in 2 weeks. i have little to no money, but its ok cause i got a job which starts monday through a couple of weeks. which means, it will be very hard to pack and move while i'm working... i'm not just working... i'll be out of town. staying in a hotel in the hamptons, working with a couple of others(i'm not sure i know how to do that anymore). monday through friday, then back to brooklyn on the weekends.

i'm finding things to be rediculously easy in ct, and i don't even live there yet. i have gotten 2 phone calls from companies who want to set up interviews with me since yesterday, when i changed my monster.com resume address to CT. I've had my resume up for 2 years in NY and haven't gotten any response from it. My apartment, was also rediculously easy to find. i was taken aback when there was no fee to pay, a washer/dryer, free internet, a garage, and more space for $400 less a month for me and bill. wtf, mate?

i'm not sure how i feel about my mother selling our home. its as if i won't have a home to go home to. like i don't belong anywhere anymore. all those memories, not to mention the idea of my kids going to grandma's house( the one in which i grew up in) is gone. i guess its better than me having to move her out of there when she's old, and i'm too busy. one less thing for me to do.
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i am moving soon [05 Jul 2004|03:44pm]
i came home, it began to poor.
there was blood all over my house.
blood on the tables, blood on the sheets, blood on the floor and walls.

bill gave me 5 bucks and a metro card.

all i know is i don't charge enough.
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may thuuurrd. [03 May 2004|12:51pm]
i will be leaving for my cross country trip tonight, after a show by new aussie friends called The Beautiful Girls. I met them saturday night on the street and invited them to a party. bill bought us a tent today, and i sold my 8 foot ladder.

first stop will be washington dc,then off to virginia... i cant wait to see the landscapes of new mexico and california.
already, i'm missing anabell.

we probably got that apartment in new haven... and i can't wait to get out of this city... my neighborhhod is becoming williamsburg and i cant stand those dirty little fuckers. your outfits suck, stop trying to be cool. noone cares.

i can't wait to be neighbors with good people. and work a good job, and spend time painting in my own room....
i will be going from a 650 sq foot 1 bedroom apartment with 3 windows which dont let in any light, to a 1350 sq foot 3 bedroom apartment with multiple windows in each room... even the bathroom, and paying LESS!....

ct, i'm coming home...
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rained so hard [13 Apr 2004|05:17pm]
i made a pumkin pie, and began to slice it they way you normally do... in a triangular 10th. then i realized, noone is around, i won't be sharing this with anyone... so i cut out the center and ate it.
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walls paint me [26 Mar 2004|08:03pm]
worked all week... gonna make mucho dinero.

i've got a state cup game on sunday, then hopefully i'll be home in ct on monday before having to work again.

i want jack to move to new haven with us... hes chinese, listens to dino jr, paints, makes music. runs.. and will be my new room mate.
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outside [21 Mar 2004|08:41pm]
playing outside is great. windburned face.

ooh. bye
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i never knew [18 Mar 2004|06:47pm]
i am making irish soda bread...i had no idea that buttermilk tasted so god awful. maryna wants me to go out to a show tonight, but i just remebered i have soccer tonight, even though my back hurts...

soccer is the only thing that makes me happy
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i took a ride in the wrong direction.. [17 Mar 2004|07:07pm]
i feel like 100% crap.

i think i hate crap.

i was on the train and couldn't think of one thiing that would make me happy.. or any reason why i should be happpy.every thought seemed worse than the next.

i don't think i can make it much longer.
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audrey [17 Mar 2004|10:32am]
i don't know if you have an email adress but you should watch hedwig or 'find' the song the origin of love. rufus wainwright covers it too. base of ace should cover it. bro would love it.. and sing it until you wanted to drive him off the road and into the connecticut river.

i hate this woman i am working for... either that or i hate her walls... i HATE them... i had to repaint her huge living room for free because 2 coats wasn't enough.. and it was a light color.. (very easy job, but NOOO).. and then i painted her kitchen.. i primed it..... so that the light paint wouldn't need a million coats... usually even dark colors only need 2 coats...

i painted 3 coats and 1 coat of primer...just so i wouldnt have to go back and fix it... she calls today and says it needs another coat.... im gonna kill her... plus shes wicked annoying... ahhhh.
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i fell off a ladder and now i am dead. [15 Mar 2004|07:10pm]
when i fell off the ladder, i died today. it didnt hurt much... just made me feel lonely... not lonely like you have noone to talk to, but lonely like when you are in a room full of people you know, and you can't talk to them because you realize they don't know you, and you don't want to bother anyway.

i died the other day too when i was pushed from a subway platform infront of a moving 2 train by an old Peruvian woman.
i think she was mad that i didn't give the begging man money. she didn't notice that i have less money than him, and that i was on my way home from work.

before that i died, but i'm not sure why. my spine just snapped when i was picking something up. i had picked it up a million times before and nothing like that had ever happened. It just snapped right in half. it surprised me.

i have a feeling that i will die pretty soon. it is dark and late, but i am going running around the neighborhood by myself. i'm sure that there is a group of kids just waiting on a corner to throw soda bottles, rocks, chicken wings,ect. at my head. this makes me so upset, i run at them screaming, and step right infront of the B67 bus. the people on the bus just get mad, because i hold them up from getting home on time.
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wyoming is a weird name for a state. [12 Mar 2004|09:18pm]
but i will be going to wyoming soon... cross country, bringing the bikes, sleeping in the explorer.

after working for 2 hours i came home to do some 'responsible' stuff, but wound up falling asleep.

i have to work tomorrow and sunday, i was going to say that i can't work this job... that she should find some other dumb monkey with a roller, but i didn't say anything. i have a problem with expressing what i'm feeling.

in a starving state i went to the grocery store and bought grits, oreos, chips ahoy, cheez doodles, rice pudding, and cheddar cheese. moral of the story?... eat before grocery shopping if you want to come home with milk, eggs, and veggies.

see 'Them'
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dum da dum dum da dum da dum domdoo dodoom dum da dum [11 Mar 2004|09:51pm]
joy division goes dum da dum da dum.

i found an old newspaper clipping with me and brent balloch at the mexican fiesta.

on the otherside of the clipping is a picture of young chaz daner winning a prize for his mom.

i hate my career choice.

i will join the union.

i like waking up to howard stern ranting about how terrible bush is.

i miss the people of the state of florida.

led zepplin is played too much on the radio.

the woman i worked for gave me chocolate cake. i didn't want to split it with bill.

i kick ass at soccer.

i have a crush on my 36 year old coach. dont tell him.

we keep postponing our trip.

anabell found a big cockroach.

we put traps under the sinks.

i drink alot of beer alone.

i don't draw any more.

i think things could be different. i think they will be different.
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paint. [22 Jan 2004|07:34pm]
after work, still in my work pants.... can't find a parking spot so stop at the grocery store parking lot.
i go in.
no cart this time, just a blue plastice basket.
i pick out some eggs, and walk down the cereal isle.
town black kids stop me. "miss, i think you dropped your paint brush"

my reply?

"i just got off work, did you just get off your mom?'

hmm. i should probably not go out when grumpy.

i find a spot.

i make lasagna and drink beer.
i feel like making many phone calls, but its not free for another hour.
i should say hi to my friends in florida.
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spase peepole [21 Jan 2004|09:54pm]
my covers would be a good place to hide for the next couple of months.
i have a cigarette burn on my finger.
my ankle is feels like hell.
how i dont know how to believe in what im thinking anymore.
i dont know what to trust or which is my true inner feelings.

see you later, i'm going to florida for the weekend and every weekend following.
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dead cold [16 Jan 2004|09:16pm]
cold shoulder
i turned around
facing the other way daydreaming of words exchanged, remebering, if possible, sequences of events.

bill said that when you go away, you are suposed to come back refreshed, not stay away. thats where i am. my mind is still away. it is depressing me to be back. it is depressing me to be away from the fun that i had, from the people i met, from a best friend, from warmth, from clairity. this life seems like hell now, and i'm not sure what to do about it. i want to pack up and leave... leave everything behind. start over. be on my own. feel strong. i've forgotten to have fun.
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its been awhile. [15 Jan 2004|06:32pm]
so i've returned, ever changed from my trip away from responsability and life and happy endings. florida was my destination, a place of warm escape, nothing new or exciting. i'd see a long lost friend, get some sun, and not think about work for eight whole days. i never knew i'd get a huge clean window into my fucked up life. an outsiders point of view on my relationships and life in ny. i met amazing people, trapped in their home town, maybe not quite responsible, clean, or cultured as what i'm used to.

i was the center of drama and attention. i did kareoke, drank as much as possble until broke, went to bed without brushing my teeth, peed on beaches, slept with cats with worms, slept in unfamiliar beds, shared thoughts and dances with people who one minute were unfamiliar, then the next they were my best friend. trips in back of broken vans with couches and seats and naked people who had a little too much to drink. it was warm enough to have couches in the garage. air was comforting, arms were comforting, drinking was comforting.

i was pleased to see a friend so happy with life. i was pleased her boyfriend treated everyone so good. i was pleased to have things bought for me. i was pleased to be liked by thomas's parents. i was pleased to feel like i belonged.

then i flew home. the sky got grey. the pilot said it was 10 degrees. my luggage was broken, there was snow on the ground. i should have pulled a movie life, where i never returned to my responsabilities, my shit, my life. i should have stayed where i was happy, because i don't know how to tell people that i'm not happy with the way i'm living. i'm too young to be living so old.
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i need to be able to trust you with my life. [11 Oct 2003|03:10am]
a tag sale. dark and cold 6 in the morning.
my favorite customer was the mexican field worker. sold him my walkman for 3 dollars.

i was a star, a heroine, an idol to the girls.

apple picking with tania, and as you all know, a man witha stinky--- very stinky---- volvo.

out to dinner at tomasso's. its amazing what a little cosmo will do. had the halibut.

kids strolled over to my place, where the sound doesnt work and refuses to be heard. drank moms vodka. should buy her a new bottle.

trying to whiten my teeth with some rembrandt crap, wonder how rembrandt feels about this. its a very messy, rabies like, situation.

friends fall asleep, foaming at the mouth, wallet full of singles, appples in heaven... what more could i ask for?
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aaaaaaahdsjkgifdsau [09 Oct 2003|10:58pm]
i have a head aaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

a mmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee

i have encefilitus.

i may not be alive tomorrow.

goodbye.
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